Oh Facebook humour, you crack me up

I know, I know - another 'see what I saw and thought I'd share with you' posts. But this is funny, swear! Especially when 'The Church' gets involved.

If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses...

*old man wheezing*

Either I'm classless, it's late and I'm beyond tired making this űber funny OR it really *is* comical...

E.E. Cummings may have just been a little perverted

I routinely read a blog called 'Living Flirtatiously'. It provides my sentimental heart with the right doses of butterfly commentary mixed with cynical dating realities to make me feel like I'm not alone in blundering my way through the dating world. Today's post by Maura was on poems for any stage of a romantic relationship. Of course I read them but one of the last ones that I read was the one by E.E. Cummings called I like my body when it is with your.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh… And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

Um, it's kinda randy, non? I have to admit that just over 12 years ago I sat in a crowded auditorium writing my last English lit essay for a final exam in my mandatory-for-my-BA 1st year English lit class and I sat for a minute to gather my thoughts when I realized that this would be the last English exam I would ever have to right. I could have SUNG I felt so ELATED at the idea that I would never have to use the words protagonist, antagonist, foreshadowing, anticlimax or narrative again - note I didn't say 'climax' ;o) . Probably one of the reasons why I hate really stuffy book clubs. I like to enjoy the written word on a purely superficial level...is that so wrong of me?

Anyways, I decided to read these poems as I've recently found myself on 2 and soon to be 3 dates with a master's grad of English lit. I can't admit to never having read E.E. Cummings, can I? Well now I can...if only that it's something rather randy that I've read...I wonder if that would scandalize the English lit major....

It's been too, too long

Mes amis...it's been too long. I've not written for weeks and I've finally realized that it has taken it's mental tole on me. Yes, that's right, I've realized that writing is an outlet I NEED to pursue to keep my sanity.

So where should I start with the updates? While I'm sure that some of you have been cyberstalking me through Facebook...or my feed just comes up in your home page feed, much has happened.

Let's start with the fun stuff - DATING!

*insert crickets*

Okay, it hasn't been that bad but I've been pretty unmotivated to date much this summer. Really, where did I have the time though. Rowing (which I'll come back to) has taken more and more time and so has patio season so it just hasn't fit in...but I will fill you in on the Chicken Guy in my next post - he deserves his OWN posting.

I'm going to be moving on to some house repairs in a few weeks that will surely entertain. In the mean time, I'm not looking forward to doing it alone and have to admit that house stuff is the one thing that keeps me up at night AND makes me wish I wasn't single. But as a wise person (read: one date wonder) once told me, 'if it's worth having, it's worth taking care of' and they're right. I'm trying to stay in more and do just that - even if that starts with the basic of cleaning more.

Besides that, I'm also taking care of me bod more these days. Rowing is still ongoing and I'm thinking of making the jump to the master's program. That's 6 mornings a week at 5 am on the water for April-November. Oye. I'm thinking that I'll test my resilience to such a schedule by doing winter training with the master's this winter. That's again, early mornings at the uni although not 5 days a week. It'll cost me like $30 for the season because my gym membership is included as an employee benefit. Can I get a woot woot?!? Besides that, my Dr. gave me a stern look and scolding last time I was in to lose the twins (aka my buttocks). She then sent me to The Crazy Lady (aka my dietican) who cut me off of, of all things, BANANAS.

I nearly lost my shit in her office.

And the rationale? She wanted me to 'discover other fruit'. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? I seriously had withdrawl every time I went into Farm Boy. But here's the kicker...I'm now eating cherries, plums, mangoes, oranges, grapes, and grapefruit regularly. *insert grumbling re. maybe she's right*

Anyhoot, there's been a slow weight loss but it's not really something I care all that much about, to be honest. I'm a healthy shape by not storing all my 'could stand to be lost' poundage near my organs and I'm active. The good thing about this is I'm eating even better which in turn will mean weight loss. Really though, it's making me appreciate home cooking and nutritious cooking. And eating out is taking on less of an appeal which means...you got it...more money on the house.

*le sigh*

Work...well...that's another blog post for another day.

Commuting to work? That's another RANT for another day.

Other ramblings...they're sure to come now that I'm back from my summer hiatus.

So, did you miss me?

Thank you Lego, for making the World Cup bearable

Everywhere I go these days, it seems all people are talking about is the World Cup. Babes in orange dresses, status updates, uniforms that are dirty, Canadians breaking hearts, blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I find it kinda neat to drive around town and see flags hanging off of cars all over the place in our...well, conservative town...but frankly, I don't give a rat's ass about soccer.

However, if you get Lego involved then maybe, just maybe I'll wanna watch. J's to the E, this one's for you(s):

More cube farm head shaking

Two work thoughts: You know you're in an older work environment when you go to get paper towel from the kitchen and the magnet on the dispenser is for how to recognize the signs of a stroke. Also, it's quite entertaining when you write your own 'welcome to the team' message and then you don't get copied on it when it's sent out to your new colleagues only to discover this when they show up at your door to 'welcome' you....

This woman kills me

Seriously, I get where she's coming from

Something for the 'to see list'

My long ago colleague and favourite entrepreneur MChen has started a new project with her sister, Serena, to raise money for the Canadian Cancer Society. They do this as their father, for whom I heard many, many, many beyond belief entertaining stories about while M and I worked together (plus, M's a great story teller which only enhances the Papa Chen stories) was diagnosed with cancer.

To support him and raise money, the lassies are doing what they do best...being creative. They've started the D.A.D project. I'll let you go to the site and read up on it. I've bought shirts of M's and drawings of Serena's because the ladies are wickedly talented. So they're working on very reasonably priced prints of their daily drawings for sale.

I quite liked the one from M today about sloths...I love sloths.























But better yet, there was this video:

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

LOVE IT. Especially the guy at 1:30. Reminds me of Zoot and Animal combined....you know, from the muppets. But really, have you ever seen a cuter animal scratching its ass?

Confession

The guy in the cube beside me is a bit of a nincompoop. He's just, flaky. And chatty. He knocked on my doorway to my fabric box today and proceeded to tell me about his day and all the trials and tribulations of getting something approved blah blah blah blah blah. I've learned that the extent of my engaging only has to include me shaking my head and closing my eyes. Occasionally I mutter 'wow, another culture shock moment'. And I do this because...

I have no FUCKING clue what he's talking about.

I wasted my time in jeuvy

One of the other things that has been a bit of a culture shock since coming back to gov't is the 'lock down' mentality of this place. Sure, we have to herd through the gates where we swipe our passes to get in (kinda like cows on the way to the slaughter house, non?) but there's this new look to everything. Filing cabinets with bars across them and huge padlocks on them or, filing cabinets with dial locks on them - you know, like what a bank has.

But the challenge more than anything is opening the damn things. I had to wait for 3 weeks for someone to come and install a cabinet with a lock in it (the one I had didn't have a lock) and then another few days for someone to come set the combination (to my liking so that was helpful) but I then had to wait another 2 weeks for someone to come show me how to open it...again. But I really didn't feel bad...I had 3 other people try the lock to get it open before the locksmith came in and told me what the 'trick' was with my lock. Apparently, because I chose a second number very close to the number 0, I needed to pass it 3 times instead of 2 as per the instructions I was given on a piece of paper.

*insert sarcasm*

Hunh...well, who wudda thunk it.

Perhaps if I'd only used my time in jeuvy wisely and figured out how to crack vaults would this have been obvious to me.

*insert eye rolling*

Pain in my ass

Rowing's been interesting the last few weeks. With my sore back, I was out for a few weeks and then, we got a new crop of graduates from the learn to row program. I give 'em credit for coming out but I don't know what baffoons teach them to row because they can't balance worth shit.

Why does this matter? Because if the boat isn't balanced, one side's ores drag in the water and they can't get them out and subsequently, they can catch a crab. Remember crabs from last year? Yeah, those mo fo's suck arse.

Anyhoot, the boat was way off balance. Given that we got out late on account of the sun showers, we did a shorter than normal run, which was a good thing because at one point I thought my ass was going to fall off. No, seriously, I did. Now I don't want to blame the newbies but I'll tell ya, someone referred to it as an octopus for a reason...we just couldn't get our shit together no matter how hard we tried.

So, just before our last 500 m into the boat house, our coxie gave us a break. I took the opportunity to ask a question as you know only I can...the convo went something like this:

Coxie: okay everyone, take a break for a second
Me: Umm, excuse me (from 6 people down in the boat), can I ask a question?
C: sure 3 seat, go ahead
M: Um, why is my right butt cheek hurting so much?
C: Because port side is keeling and you're trying to compensate for it with your body and throwing your body weight. If you do what you're supposed to do and everyone else does, you won't have to balance like that.
M: So it's the boat's fault (btw, this is how we refer to our team - 'the boat') that my ass hurts?
*insert chuckles from the rest of the crew*
C: Yes, your crew mates are the pain in your ass tonight
M: Okay, thanks

Yeah, you know they love me at the rowing club.

OC Transpo's cryptic

So OC Transpo replied this am. I'm sure that my email request was widely circulated around their offices today under a 'wtf?' headline. Here's what they sent back:

Thank you L for your e-mail.

We do have equipment and staff on-hand that complete the required tasks. Regrettably, due to restrictions and confidentiality issues, we are unable to provide further details.

Once again, we appreciate your interest and trust you understand our position.

Sincerely,

Linda
Customer Relations Officer
Transit Services, City of Ottawa

Oh, you know they think I'm crazy.

Oc Transpo Debate

So Gback and I are working late tonight and out of nowhere, he throws out this random question:

'I wonder how OC Transpo sorts the change and bills it collects.'

Being the geek I am, I hypothesized as to how it is done. His response was along the lines of the fact that it was a rhetorical question and that if I didn't actually know, I shouldn't answer. So, being the stubborn bitch know-it-all bitch that I am, I thought I'd solve the mystery once and for all.

A few minutes later I read the following to him:

Dear OC Transpo,

My colleague and I were wondering something and hoped you could put an argument to rest. We'd like to know how OC Transpo sorts the change and the tickets/bills when it's all removed from the bus. Is there a machine that lets the coins fall through leaving the bills on top? If so, then who sorts the bills from the tickets or other paper? Or do you employ someone who just dumps it all out on a conference room table and sorts it all into piles - hopefully wearing gloves. Or perhaps the sorting occurs right on the bus?

Any assistance you could provide in resolving this debate would be appreciated.

Thank you.

I'll let you know if they respond...

I was drunk

I once read a stat that made it's way into conversation at the office the other day. I think I might be a little loopy for having said it. I had had a crazy morning of running late, spilling coffee on myself, being late for two meetings because I got my start times wrong...just a mess overall. The conversation started with me recounting all of these and ended with:

'And it all started even before I got here. I was running late so I had to eat my breakfast in the car and did you know that when you eat while driving that's the equivalent of having had 6 drinks because of how distracted you are? So basically, I drove to work drunk.'

Shocked and bewildered stare was what I got in response.

MUST. LEARN. TO. SHUT. MY. MOUTH. SOONER.

Dude's not stupid

GBack put the radio on at work the other day and the latest song by Jason Derulo came on. He's one of those bubblegum pop, R&B whatever kinda singers that Hot 89.9 plays over and over and over again until he comes out with a new song that they then play over and over and over again.

But the thing about this kid - and I can say kid because he can't legally drink in the US until September - is that he's a smart marketer. He begins every one of his songs with a signature sound bite. He has this 'overlord' voice come on and say 'JR' which makes no sense to me as his initials are JD but maybe he goes by JR out in the industry? But that's always chased with him singing his name before he launches into his song. I can't think of any other artist that does this but I'll tell you what it makes me remember about him...his songs and his name. A winning combination when you are a fairly new artist on the radio.

Smart, smart marketing.

Here's some examples for you non-89.9 listeners. All you need to listen to is like the first 15 seconds so it won't be a total assault on your senses ;o)

Happy St. Patty's Day

And this is why the average American should NOT be interviewed for TV.



'I wanna kno where da gol at'

One of those weeks

It's been a long week. I've been slammed by so many people on so many issues of which very few are in my control or my pay range. And it just keeps coming.

After responding to one blasting email this afternoon with a lengthy and detailed rebuttal, I realized it took me 2 HOURS to write the email. Once I breathed deeply a few times and mentally gave myself a pep talk, I hit 'send'. I then turned to Gback and said...

'I'm going for a drink'

It was 3:30. I meant to say, 'I'm going for a coffee.'

There were quite a few chuckles but it summarizes well the week I've had.

One more day...

I can't believe I'm going to admit to this...

...but that douchebag John Mayer has finally said something that didn't make my hair curl and my teeth clench.

In a January interview for Rolling Stone, when asked about America's sweetheart Jennifer Aniston, he had this to say:

'What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is fucking fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.’ '

Okay, seriously, I gotta give the man props for this one. He was with someone fantastic but at one point in time said, whoa, this isn't what I want for me in the long run. So he ends it, breaks our poor Jenni A's heart, and is villainized for it. I feel pity for him. However, he's still said some pretty douchey things after that which he SHOULD be villainized for. (How the hell do you spell villainized?)

But he goes on to say this and this is what is striking a chord with me today...

'I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt attached. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it.'

I feel like saying, 'amen, brother, amen.' Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much effort I put into dating and meeting someone. And I'm not even necessarily looking for a 'life partner' or 'baby daddy' - imagine what that time involvement would be like? And lemme tell ya, I'm getting pretty tired of it...not giving up, just thinking perhaps it's time to focus on something else...hmmm...

BTW, John Mayer is STILL a douchebag.

The things we say

So I have friends who like to document what their kids say because it's either just so darned cute or because they can't believe some of the things that come out of their mouths. I've shared some of my 'phews finer moments with you but I got to thinking, after a few Facebook status updates that perhaps I should share with you my favourite quotes of the day, said by whomever, so you could just laugh with me...or, as the case may be, shake your head with me - kinda like an overheard in L's life. So, without further adieu, some of my favs as of late.

After an evening playing the Princess of Finland, the $1.50 dollar store tiara was affectionately stroked:

'I love this tiara. And it's not even tacky.'

After discussing the use of paper versus online thesauruses and the fact that you end up singing the alphabet to remember that m comes before q:

'That's why I use an online thesaurus. Then I don't need to know the alphabet.'

During a meeting where tasks were being overly assigned to one person (ie. me):

'I only have one L'

There will be more to come, I'm certain...

I like shiny things

After my little car accident back in January, I needed to take it in to get fixed. And, being the procrastinator I am, I figured now was as good a time as any to get my car repainted where I whacked it against the garage door (whoops) and where someone keyed it (asshole).

Although I gulped just a little when I got the quote - as in here's my paycheque for this pay period - I knew it had to be done. The car is leased after all, and I haven't decided if I'll buy it or not, so I do need to keep it in pretty good shape.

I got to pick it up this am and upon entering the parking lot of the body shop, there she sat, like a beautiful ruby against the white snow banks, shinier than the day I got her.

I went into the body shop and was talking with the manager and he gave me the low down on washing my car - all touchless wash and no waxing for 3 months. The convo went something like this:

Autoshop Manager: So, no brush washing or waxing for 90 days.
L: Which is like....
AM: (insert hard look over his glasses at me) 3 months
L: Right, which is like...what are we, February?
AM: Oh! I'd say by end of May you can wash it with a brush again.

I think this is where he finally got that I was trying to figure out what month 90 days from now would be, not that 90 days = 3 months, but this certainly didn't help my case for what came next out of my mouth...

AM: Yeah, the paint needs time to set. I know it sounds odd but it does.
L: Oh, like nail polish needs time to set before you do anything so you don't get scratches or marks in it?
AM: (insert furrowed brow) Ugh, yeah, I guess.

In my defence, I had yet to have my morning cuppa joe. I guess I channel the inner girly-girl in me when I haven't had enough caffeine.