I like shiny things

After my little car accident back in January, I needed to take it in to get fixed. And, being the procrastinator I am, I figured now was as good a time as any to get my car repainted where I whacked it against the garage door (whoops) and where someone keyed it (asshole).

Although I gulped just a little when I got the quote - as in here's my paycheque for this pay period - I knew it had to be done. The car is leased after all, and I haven't decided if I'll buy it or not, so I do need to keep it in pretty good shape.

I got to pick it up this am and upon entering the parking lot of the body shop, there she sat, like a beautiful ruby against the white snow banks, shinier than the day I got her.

I went into the body shop and was talking with the manager and he gave me the low down on washing my car - all touchless wash and no waxing for 3 months. The convo went something like this:

Autoshop Manager: So, no brush washing or waxing for 90 days.
L: Which is like....
AM: (insert hard look over his glasses at me) 3 months
L: Right, which is like...what are we, February?
AM: Oh! I'd say by end of May you can wash it with a brush again.

I think this is where he finally got that I was trying to figure out what month 90 days from now would be, not that 90 days = 3 months, but this certainly didn't help my case for what came next out of my mouth...

AM: Yeah, the paint needs time to set. I know it sounds odd but it does.
L: Oh, like nail polish needs time to set before you do anything so you don't get scratches or marks in it?
AM: (insert furrowed brow) Ugh, yeah, I guess.

In my defence, I had yet to have my morning cuppa joe. I guess I channel the inner girly-girl in me when I haven't had enough caffeine.

Who put all that crap in my car?

This week I came down with a nasty cold. And because work is on high H1N1 alert, and I share an office suite with the guy who's been tasked with monitoring staff and student illness across campus, I decided to really get better before returning to work. I was in TO on Monday for work, feeling sick by Monday night and then full blown not getting out of bed by Tuesday evening.

I went to Starbucks Saturday morning for my first cup of coffee in half a week. I figure, if I'm going without, when I go back, it should be good. I parked further along in the parking lot as I went to South Keys and well, it was shopping day. So after getting my cuppa joe, I walked to my car. As I approached the door, I looked in. Here was the thought process that went through my head in about 3 seconds:

I know I had paper in the car but where did that Michael's flyer come from?
Wait, what is all that crap in the car?
Wait, what's all that stuff in the backseat?
Who the 'eff breaks into a car and puts crap in it, aren't you supposed to take stuff out?
Why is the car not unlocking, I'm pressing the button?
Fuck, now how much is that going to cost me to get fixed? Locks not unlocking? Will it be under warranty?
.....
Wait, why is that sound coming from BEHIND me?

(insert turning around of body)

Oh, there's my car. I wonder if anyone saw that....?

Pure brilliance and glory.

Good GOD that's tacky

Okay, so most of you know that I hate, hate, HATE those stupid ribbon magnets that people put on their car for supporting troops, breast cancer, whatever. Not sure what it is about it but I hate them as much as I hate those bracelets that everyone was into a few years ago because of Lance Armstrong and then it took off to every cause - or profit making organization - got into having a coloured bracelet. I guess it's that whole affiliation issue I have...

ANYWAYS, I've seen a max of like 2-3 of these magnets on cars and am driven batty by them and one day just wanna go on a stealing rampage in a Walmart parking lot and then decorate one car with all of them (I won't mention *whose* car I'd like to do that to ;o) ). So when I pulled up behind this truck on the Bronson off ramp at Hunt Club, I thought I'd hit the mecca for that prank...and had to take a pic. God I love my phone...

Organic my ass

This morning, while stopped at the light at Bronson and after dutifully putting up my parking pass to avoid yet another ticket, I checked out the other cars/drivers around me. The vehicle in front of me had a bumper sticker in white with green writing. I know that bumper stickers are a thing of the past really and that people don't put them on their cars so when I do see one, I generally try to read them. This one read:

Try organic.
For your body. For the environment. For a change.
www.cog.ca

The irony? It was on one of these:











Yes, that's right - a Chevy Suburban. Right, do it 'for the environment'. You're preaching to me to eat organic when you're driving a vehicle that for the life of me on the GMC website I can't find the fuel efficiency specs on this puppy? For the sake of their gas tank, hopefully they believe in creationism.

Right...you sooooo made your case for organic....

Deep thoughts...from HWY 7

I get down to visit the fam about once every calendar month. Lately it seems I go down on babysitting excursions and those that are friends with me on Fakebook may see my status updates that tell you exactly how my adventures in babysitting went. For the most part, they leave me wanting another drink and thankfully returning to my uncomplicated life in the city.

To render my free services, I have to drive the 197 km from doorstep to doorstep. That's 394 km round trip where I am alone in the car to belt out whatever bubblegum pop comes on the radio and to rage to myself about drivers on HWY 7.

There are a few things I've come to realize. No one seems to understand the concept of 'slower traffic keep right' especially in passing lanes. And speaking of passing lanes, why is it that everyone does 10-15 km faster in the passing lane than they were previously going - only to once again slow down when the extra lane merges, thereby clogging up traffic again. And why is it that some drivers will cock block (see definition #2, second meaning) you when you try and peek around their cars to see if you can pass or not? But it's really the local traffic on HWY 7 that gets me every time.

I think, every domestically-owned manufacturer of car, makes big huge white cars for old people to drive so that they can be mistaken for OPP and then no one passes them when they are out for their Sunday drives and doing 78km/hour. Stuck behind these cars are the soccer mom driven mini vans that stay close enough to the bumper of the oldies car so that if you want to pass, you have to overtake both of them, but they never pass themselves.

And then, there are the trucks.

I grew up in a truck family. My mom drove a car, my dad a truck. And every car we owned had a name - Black Beauty, Old Grey Mare, etc. It got me in the habit of naming cars myself - also because I feel, as road ragey as this will sound, like it's me and my car against everyone else on the road. We're a team. I treat her well, she shows me the passing love. And she never lets me down.

So this am I got stuck behind a big burly truck on HWY 7. He, like the soccer moms, was driving too close to, you guessed it, a big white car full of old people, so I couldn't pass both of them easily. As we were getting close to civilization (ie. Perth), I knew that I would eventually lose some of the congestion in Perth so I decided to just wait out the 10km to pass.

And that's when I really started to look at the truck. I noticed that there was some kinda decal above the Sierra nameplate on the back tailgate. I thought it said 'intermediate' as in, a medium sized Sierra. Hey, what do I know, I drive Fiona the Fit?? But no, as I got closer, so I could D&S (Drive and Snap), I realized it acutually said 'intimidator' which only made me roll my eyes more because, if you can read the license plate it says....

Girthy

















This would only be better if he had a set of truck testicles hanging from the hitch like my next door neighbours ex-husband does from his truck. He is CLASS, ALL - THE - WAY!























And those have been your Sunday deep thoughts from HWY 7.

One way ticket to hell snicker from today

I was going too fast (and the 'offender' too slow) to D&S for this one but the best bumper sticker I saw today read the following:

My boss is a Jewish carpenter.

JJ had a similar experience on the drive in this am as well. Stuck on with packing tape to either side of the license plate on a car she too blew past was Mary on one side and Jesus on the other.

Yup, my chuckles got me that one way ticket to hell this week. And I think JJ's gonna come with me for the ride. AWWW YEAH!

This is why I should be on YouTube more

Oh My GOD! HILARIOUS! Profane, but HILARIOUS.



A big shout out to B over at Flacklife for sharing. I was going to just email this out but it's too funny - it needs to be posted everywhere.

Once again, HILARIOUS!

You have two choices

Let me in or hit me.

That's my new motto when it comes to navigating the roads during the transit strike. We have to share and be nice and courteous. And if I've got my ticky-ticky on, I'm being polite and letting you know that I'm coming in so let me because, and I repeat, you have two choices - choose wisely because you know I'm going to go lose it if you don't. ;o)

That gives you an idea of my drive in this morning to a conversation with a maritimer about driving in Ottawa. She doesn't drive on any of the 400 series highways. She plans her routes to places in order to never have to turn left.

But la pièce de la résistance?

She plans her entire route to never have to change lanes.

So if you're ever driving in Ottawa and can't figure out why the right lane is going faster than the left lane, it's because she has made a planning error and has to turn left further along in her drive and has decided to hang out in the left lane.

There are no words.

Karma's a B!tch

Okay, so I complained about the plows to the city. But did that REALLY necessitate the plow following so close to my back end today that all I could see was the giant blade and swirl of snow in my rearview mirror? Seriously - if I have to pray to the car in front of me to "hurry the *bleep* up" because I think if I slow down any he'll hit me, that's not cool.

My plate is now mud with operators, I know it.

DAMN YOU KARMA!

I was being facetious

Okay, I normally don't complain about snow removal because I think this is a bloody big city and I get that it can take a while to do all the streets. That and I know how hard A's K works to keep the streets clean.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD where the hell are all the plows? Is K the only one out there?

While I know that bad weather and a transit strike will slow me down, the fact that it took me 1 hr and 25 minutes to get the 8.5 km to work and not ONE of the streets I drive on (major routes might I add - like Bronson and Hunt Club) were plowed. In fact, I saw 3 sidewalk plows. 3! But not one plow.

In fact, the roads were in such bad shape that you know how people follow the tracks that have been made by the cars before them? Well, on Bronson, they went all over the place. I drove on the gravel shoulder at one point because that's where the tracks went. And I drove OVER THE YELLOW LINE because that's where the tracks went. Granted the other side of the road was way over in the ditch so you could have easily fit, oh, I dunno, a PLOW in between us so I wasn't in any danger. But for the most part, I came up Bronson with the white line that separates your lane from the shoulder running down the middle of my car.

W. T. F.

So I did what I have dreaded doing - I called the city. I got a nice guy on the phone, Patrick, who I was very nice too and joking with to say that I know it's not him and I'm sorry to start his day off with a complaint but I had to call. I asked if the plows were on strike with OC transpo. He said no, they weren't. Thanks Patrick, I think I was being facetious. Anyways, we mutually complained and agreed that he, nor I nor the 3 other people who came from Orleans, Barrhaven and Stittsville that I shared an elevator with this am (no Santa sightings today) had seen a plow on their drives in this am. Apparently there's 400 pieces of equipment on the road. 3 of which were plowing sidewalks on Hunt Club. Awesome.

So complaint ticket 44149 has been sent to the roads department the cosmic void.

(there's a "one way ticket to hell" label on this for all the cussin')

AXSD 813

Should you see this A$$HOLE on the road near you, proceed with caution.

I took my sweet time today and left the house later in hopes of missing traffic. For the second day in a row, it took me 50 minutes to get the 8.5 km from my driveway to my parking spot. 'Suppose it could be worse, right? Admittedly, I'm missing my Jeep these last few days as even with snow tires, the depth of the snow and slush on the streets is playing havoc with my driving - kinda feels like the 80's commercial for Slip and Slide - Sliiii-ipe, slipe and slide. Sliiii-ipe, slipe and slide. Slipe and slide, slipe and slide.

Well other than holding on tight and hoping to hell that the big trucks that came barreling past me on Bronson wouldn't hit ice and I'd become their bumper toy, it was a pretty safe drive. No retards...until I got in the turning lane to turn into campus.

When I looked back and saw the speed with which the aforementioned a$$hole was approaching me, I braced for impact. Surprisingly, his snow tires gripped. He got so close to me though that I couldn't actually see the make of his car because I couldn't see his grill. Nice. Retard. If the ass behind him slides, he's careening right into my back end. Nice.

Anyways, the whole km into campus and my lot, he stayed so close to my bumper that I couldn't tell you the make of the car he was driving until I had parked and walked past his. Seriously, are you retarded? I think everyone needs to do a 180 or a 360 in icy conditions before they get just how non-operative your car can become in winter conditions. Now, I'm not a violent person but it took ALL of my will power to not get my brush out of my car and walk over to his car and smash his taillights. That's how angry I was.

So, if you see a nice bright, royal blue Ford Focus with that license plate coming up on you, get outta the way and let the a$$hole find someone else to rear end. And on his way past you, feel free to flip him off - you know, as a present from me.

Thanks for letting me rant - I needed that. It was either blog about it or be sitting at the campus bar when it opened. Or taking out his taillights...

I think I'm going to find a different route to work

Okay, something's going on on Bronson.

In the last 3 weeks (remember how little I've actually been in town and using that road), I have come upon 3 accidents in the same 200 metre stretch of that road.

Accident #1 - Minivan took out a deer first thing in the am - there is now an electronic road construction sign that says to slow down because of deer danger.
Accident #2 - Airport cab hit something that took off it's driver's side rearview mirror and scratched the side of the car. The business man who had been in the taxi and was now on the side of the road screaming on his cell phone at someone didn't look impressed.
Accident #3 (tonight) - rear end collision requiring 3 tow trucks and an ambulance. And lots of backed up traffic.

So I think I'm going to find a different route to work.

MACK trucks = bad for your car's health

Relax, it wasn't my car that got taken out by a MACK truck, it was someone else's. I just happened upon the scene of the accident moments after it had happened. My take is that the MACK truck was changing lanes, didn't see the black Honda Civic in the lane (it's been raining and the new asphalt on campus roads is really dark - almost black) beside it and snaffooed it and dragged it to the intersection. Ouch. Everyone looks fine, except the Civic, that is.

I can hear you from here MP - yes, I too am glad I drive a bright red car.

And yes, M, "snaffooed" was put in there for your "wonky" reading pleasure.

Sometimes I shouldn't open my mouth

Because inevitably, stupid things fly out.

Take my first 20 minutes in Halifax on Monday night. Super duper windy. Like "blow your suitcase with all your worldly possessions into the puddle you parked it beside" windy. What's my observation that should have remained an inside voice thought:

This is SOOOO not a sticky lip gloss kinda city.

That's right. My hair was getting stuck to my lips and then gooey. Sure it happens sometimes but all of my freshly applied lip gloss went right into my hair. So this is what I was thinking. That and "I'm gonna look like some 80's freak with super crazy sparkly hair when we get to the hotel."

I also had some other observations while in the maritimes.

For some reason, when you drive on the wrong side of the divided highway or the wrong way down a one way street, the ministry of transportation feels the need to remind you that you are in fact going the "WRONG WAY" every few kilometres. And should you be in the right lane while on the wrong side of the road, they wouldn't want you to be confused with the fact that it's only the LEFT lane that's the wrong way so they put up big red signs on BOTH sides of that side of the road. Right. Ooo-kaaaayyyy.

Also, everyone is your NBF and everyone talks to each other. I had a 10 minute conversation with a lady to help her determine which jacket she should bring to Toronto for the weekend because her husband was celebrating 40 years with his company ("isn't that a long time to work for one company?" she mused) and they were flying him and her in for a banquet dinner and she wanted to do tourist things like go shopping or go to the CN tower but didn't want to be too cold because her brother just flew back from Edmonton on Tuesday and they had to stop the plane in Ottawa to de-ice it on the way home. (Totally off topic - is deice one word or hyphenated?) We established, after much debate and many minutes after I was finished paying for my Fruit To Go from her little university centre store, that she should go with the lighter jacket, check the weather network and bring layers. You can all only imagine how emotionally draining this was for me given that I try and avoid my neighbours and prefer to live a relatively anonymous lifestyle. I also should have known that it would be like this given the excitement of the car rental girl when I gave her my name for my reservation "oh, so you're Ms. Alberta. I've been waiting to meet you. You see, I looked at all our reservations for this evening and saw your name and thought "wow that's an interesting name" so I wanted to see who it belonged to and wouldn't it be cool if you were also from Alberta" to which my response after a terrible flight was a stoney "whaaaaa???" and she said, "oh, so about your reservation" I know, I just lived up to their expectations of Ontarians.

Finally, I couldn't do it. I couldn't have the lobster. I was thinking about it but the lobster tank at the restaurant was on the other side of the wall from my chair and then the little guys started splashing around and havin' fun and then a cook came out of the kitchen and picked one up and put him in a big tupperware container and took him back to the kitchen to meet his Maker. (Let's put a big M on that but we'll keep with the little g god. ;o) ). The thought of him being boiled made me retch (literally) and we almost had see-food of a different kind.

Anyways, Halifax and Wolfville were...ah...interesting. They're cute but not in October when I'm tired, cranky and wishing I was home.

BCWH 895

Should you see this plate on a Mercedes ML350 driven by a young guy, please feel free to flip him off or at the very least, not let him merge into your lane.

I had the displeasure of letting him into my lane (thanks for that wave of appreciation fucker), following him through the Wendy's drive through (where he promptly stopped to throw his half finished Tim Horton's coffee on the driveway just feet from the garbage can) and finally had to honk at him to put his car in drive and pull out of the drive through so I could get out because he was on his cell phone making a call.

I figure, I could have flipped him off but the arrogant prick would probably not think twice of a slightly-less-beautiful-than-a-model woman who's older than him who drives a *gasp* Honda flipping him off (and apparently road rage leads to wrinkles) so instead, I blog in revenge.

This did prompt me to wonder if I had pissed off anyone to receive my own such rave reviews in a blog. Google has put my mind at ease.