Lawn Care Tips

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Announcer: Lawn Care Tips brought to you by the makers of Brilliance and Glory, L's attempt at keeping it a secret that she's really a dummy in disguise.

Have you ever thought to yourself "meh, I'll mow the lawn later. Meh, I'll mow the lawn later. Nah, still don't feel like it...oh, paint is drying, isn't that interesting."?

Well, later finally came round to bite me in the ass this weekend. After my bro's much appreciated comments about the fact that I "need to do something about (my) backyard" the other weekend, I knew I'd need to venture out there to cover the AC for the year and the rose bushes, etc. So, I sectioned off a bunch of time on Saturday to tackle this job. However, it's been a month and a half since the backyard was touched (and did I mention that last time B mowed it as a thanks for letting her stay at my place so it wasn't even me). I have LOOKED at my backyard since and felt the glowing pride at the ginormous weed that was triple the height of my rose bushes - I know, pathetic that I'm feeling all warm and tingly over something that is INVADING my garden and not that I've planted there but if you knew my black thumb track record you'd be amazed anything grows.

Anyways, I realized this was going to be a multi-phase project because there were also now leaves from my tree that needed to be dealt with. In the course of the 3 hours I was in my 20' x 15' lawn trying to tame it, here are the B&G lawn care tips I learned:
1. Lawns were meant to be mowed at least once every 2 weeks at minimum - a key indicator that you've waited too long is that the grass stem can no longer stand up on its own and has fallen over on itself.
2. 7" high mushrooms dispersed amongst the "wilting but surprisingly healthy green coloured" grass does not you a mycologist make.
3. Once neighbourhood cat cannot make it to your rose bushes to shit due to large number of weeds and quicksand nature of excessively long grass, it will inevitably find a nice patch of grass to lie in for a nap and then shit in to remind you that the grass is too long and they would have preferred to smell your roses while shitting and not the 'shrooms.
4. Being "nice" and pawning off stale nuts from Christmas to the squirrels in the backyard (with the side intention of driving the cats on the other side of the patio doors nuts at their inability to get the squirrels who are inches away) can backfire when you discover shells 10 months later with bizarre slugs and earwigs hanging out in them. Be especially aware of creepy crawlies tendencies to get in things when putting said shells within inches of face to inspect that "funny shape".
5. Should lawn become too difficult to mow, fan rakes can have especially good abilities with "feathering" the grass to make it more push mower friendly (if done right). Think Saturday night hair teasing and you'll quickly find the groove for doing this.
6. When raking leaves, it is always best to start upwind from the tree as raking, raking and REraking the same spot 3 times will likely lead to urge to just see if the mushrooms are magical and can help make the whole lawn maintenance problem more bearable.
7. While all other attempts to grow plants will fail, remember that hostas are the ugliest and toughest plants around and will survive even the most horrific of abuses from owners - in fact, they will flourish under these conditions.
8. There is a reason that lawn bags have a "do not fill above this line" indicator. Failure to comply will ensure riping and a repeat of #6.

Hmmm...I think there's a reason I don't like maintaining a lawn. Too bad I can't get the neurotic med student interested in it. Hmmm...maybe if I parked her car in the back yard...