I went to the dr for my yearly physical Monday am. As per usual, I had to fill in that medical history form. I hate filling in that form. It's like you don't have my file in front of you and you just want the Coles notes to my life so you don't have to read? Wait, that's it. Dr's are lazy, they don't want to have to read. And we trust them with our medical health?!?!
ANYWAYS, the Coles notes version of my life takes me longer to fill in than the whole appointment is going to last. I've had a pretty healthy life but there are some things I've experienced that always raise red flags - like chest pains (inflamed cartilage between my ribs) and migraines. Both of these things have long since stopped (well, I get a migraine once a year it seems), but for some reason, the dr wants it all hashed out again. So the front of the form is your medical history of all your past issues and your parents and grandparents. All on one side of 8.5" x 14". Seriously? On one piece of paper? I've now resigned to the fact that you're going to get everything I have experienced THIS YEAR on the form. Take that lazy dr.
And then I flipped over the back of the form. Whoa. Not the form *I* last remember filling out. This is the 'social medical history' including:
-where do you work?
-what do you do?
-who was your previous employer?
-how often do you use tobacco? quantity?
-how often do you use recreational drugs? what types?
-how often do you drink? quantity?
-how often do you exercise? what do you do?
-how often do you drink coffee? quantity?
-what is your marital status?
-what is your living arrangements?
-what type of dwelling do you live in?
-sexual preference?
-how many sexual partners have you had in your life time?
-how many new sexual partners in the past year?
-how many new sexual partners in the past 3 months?
-birth control methods used?
-number of STDs and types?
-number of pregnancies?
-number of pregnancies ended through miscarriage, still birth, therapeutic abortion?
My palms were sweating just reading the questions and I've lead a pretty vanilla lifestyle. Seriously? I have to answer all this? I mean, I know it's for my best interests but I actually have a dr who engages and reads the form. And then grills me or will show me the tough love. She's a no bullshit kinda dr which I need but also scares the crap outta me. I am not part of an organized religion for a reason - I don't like the idea of confessing my 'sins' and being made to feel guilty for living life.
And just when I figured there was nothing else she could ask me that isn't on the form, she came out with these three during my exam:
-do you floss regularly (I'm sure my dental hygienist put her up to this one)?
-do you get your teeth cleaned regularly?
-do you wear sunscreen regularly?
By the end of it I felt like having a breaking down into tears and crying, 'yes, yes, yes! And I had a donut on the way over here. I couldn't help it! I was running late! The line was too long for a bagel and I hate fruit explosion muffins! Please don't make me
It feels exactly like this clip from Definitely, maybe. Specifically from 55 seconds in to 1:20.
And to think, all that mental anguish even before the real exam began. Happy Monday to me is right.
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