Being a responsible adult = feeding neuroses and becoming a hypcondriac

About 6 months ago, St. Clair, Gback and JJ all got on my case about the fact that I'd never been to the eye doctor. 31 years and never been. But why? I've never had problems seeing? They're not like teeth that need cleaning? WTF?

I do have a tendency to get styes in my eyes (ha ha, that rhymes - shut up, I'm tired and stressed and little things seem to be amusing me). I figure though it's my punishment for being a lazy ass and not washing off eye makeup so I deserve it. But right before Xmas I had one in a really weird position so I figured I should probably go make sure it wasn't a tumour or anything. It wasn't. In fact, it went away and I didn't even think twice about it until the am of my appointment.

So I went in for my appointment and looked at things and had air shot into my eye and then had one of the most detailed descriptions of my body I've ever had. And you know, the science geek in me asked lots of questions. Here's what I learned:

-I have rock star vision in my right eye. My left, not so much. Together, rock star because my right eye compensates for my left. In fact, I can't even read the last two charts on the eye exam thingy with my left eye only. I guess at the letters based on the general shape.

-The reason my left eye sucks is because it has a stigmatism and it's smaller than my right eye. Yes, apparently eyes come in different sizes, just like boobs. So it doesn't process light in the same way as my right one does but my right one basically says 'das ok, buddy, I got'chur back on this one'.

-However, my right eye also suffers from a weaker optical nerve. What this means is in the long run, because it's workin' double time, it's going to get weaker quicker than it should and I'll need help seeing sooner. Also, it means that I can start to lose vision in that eye, especially peripheral vision. So I had to do a crazy test to test for peripheral vision lost. Problem was, my left eye showed issues, not my right so I have to go back for more tests in a few weeks when my eyes 'aren't tired'.

-I also have abnormally small tear drainage ducts. This means, when I cry, that the little holes in the corner of my eye don't drain my tears into my sinuses fast enough so they pour down my face as opposed to pouring out my nose. Did you know that that's why your nose runs when you cry? Me neither. But I digress. This has become a problem in recent years in the winter because I'm either having an allergic reaction to the mold in the snow or the dryer, colder environment so when my eyes try to lubricate themselves, they go a little overboard (I'll tell you why in a minute) and then the tears spill down my face. So much so, that a few of you have asked me why I'm crying when we're out and about in the winter time. Good news? So far they're not so small that I need surgery but they're at greater risk of clogging. Great. Fucking awesome.

-Also, the reason I create too many tears is because, now this I didn't know, your eyes have oil glands near your bottom lashes that produce an oil so your tears stick to your eyes better and lubricate them. Because some of my glands are clogged and also 'petite', I don't produce enough oil so when my eyes are trying to lubricate themselves, the tears aren't sticking and then my tear valves go into hyperdrive and tear and tear and tear and then my ducts can't drain them properly and then, literally, walking from my house to my car in the driveway can mean me 'crying' uncontrollably for over an hour and a half. I now have 'oily drops' to put in my eyes when they tear like that. Seems counter-intuitive but fuck, what do I know? Not much about eyes, apparently.

So next week I go back for another peripheral vision test. Awesome. And more lectures on the fact that I need to take my makeup off at night before bed. And stern lectures on not to put eye liner on the rim of my bottom eyelid because that could clog my oil glands as well. I gave her one of these looks (see left) and said 'ugh, and it's TACK-Y!' She chuckled and said 'well, I didn't want to say it but, yeah, it is'. I think health care professionals like my bluntness some days, especially when I'm the first client of the day as I usually tend to be.

And that's the story of my eyes. Riveting, isn't it?